The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Randomize