I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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