I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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