have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
