I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
