New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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