I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
