He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Also, beer. Big fan.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
