genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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