I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
