I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
