He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
