Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
