there's paper in my vomit.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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