i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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