OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
tell me about the fingering
Randomize