saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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