I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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