so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
