Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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