Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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