Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
