I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
