dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
