I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
