i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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