we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
