Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
