Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
