Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
