Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
