there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
