I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
