I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I touched a dick in church today
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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