I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Randomize
