he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize