Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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