I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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