Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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