He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
