matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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