she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
we're making bets on your personal life
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You should frame my arrest warrant.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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