I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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