be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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