I wanna bring you to show and tell
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
