I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize