I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
