im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
