They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
