his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
