I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
