Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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