i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
