if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
