Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
