OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
