Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
