I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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