no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize