I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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