Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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