my mouth tastes like poor choices
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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