Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize